HARBORNE MITRES 2000
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Report by Dave Law
In keeping with tradition the 31st annual Mitres Tour to Somerset was blended from ingredients so potent that not even Smarty would have mixed them together in a nomination spoof cocktail. The Millennium Tour recipe combined cricket, golf, unbroken sunshine, Bailey's and Cider, Scottish totty, spurned Welsh jailbait, ringers, flatulence and spoons, simmered gently amidst the customary surroundings of the Shrubbery, the Crown, the Barn Owl and an assortment of breathtaking cricketing venues from Old Blundellians to Lansdown via Millfield and Taunton.
The traditional tour opener
Pigs Trotters briefly returned to the tour menu to lose the toss and watch from 1st slip as Blundells' openers survived their baptism of blancmange at the hands of Harborne's Thompson and Gear new ball duo. Other tour traditions to be nobly upheld were Wreford keeping with a pair of table tennis bats on his hands, Wreford failing to survive the 50 minutes before tea and Wreford rendering the off side fielders redundant.
It can't be Robbo
On the subject of the off side, seasoned Harborne observers were privileged on the opening day of tour to observe Robbo playing not one, not two, but three balls through the off side; the Old Blundellians scorer (another experienced Harborne observer) logically credited the runs to Mr Gear.
I'm not going to bat like a **** today
Forecasting from the Michael Fish school by the tour manager 10 minutes before gracefully shouldering arms to his first ball of tour on it's route to his off stump.
More nets than the whole Birmingham League put together
A welcome addition to tour was the magnificent Millfield School ground, complete with multiple nets, tennis courts, nine hole pitch and putt, three course tea and lovingly tended by our old Harbornian friend Jim Mead. Meady provided us a setting fit for a proper cricket team and an opposition who overcame the best the Mitres could offer with a mixture of talent, fitness and sobriety. Harborne were however seen to put up a Titanic struggle (ie. sank without trace miles short of their destination).
The pig has landed
In a move that turned the form book upside down, Guy Fenney turned up on tour, on time, at the right venue and even organised the tour golf day. Stopped until the bitter end in order to assist Mr Bersey in two days of productive poolside pulling on behalf of the younger generation of tourists.
Who snatched Thirsty Kirsty?
The tour's regrettable reputation for serious criminal behaviour was shamefully enhanced by the daring theft of the tour copy of 'Men Only' from under the nose of the fines committee on or about 2am on Tuesday 18th July. The magazine was reported missing by concerned tourists after it failed to report for duty in the Taunton dressing room. Ilminster Police were reported to be looking for a man rapidly losing his sight - rumours that the tour umpire is helping with enquiries are unfounded but considered highly plausible.
Who were those two lads farting all the time by the pool?
The Hughes boys made their customary cultural impact on tour.
I only shark when I'm drunk
Wednesday was notable for the arrival on tour of the Tartan Totty Twosome. Upon finding the young ladies distressed by Ilminster's legendary nightlife (fractionally less lively than the Colonel's batting), the Mitres gallantly put themselves out to introduce Gillian and Nicky to the delights of nomination spoof, think-while-you-drink, ibble-dibble, Mark 'Shark' Thompson, Dave 'Jailbait' Rankin, Guy 'No Enamel' Fenney, Simon 'He'd Be OK If He Didn't Fancy Himself So Much' Gear and of course Ian 'Shagadelic' Powers.
I must have looked a complete prat
In a controlled experiment on Wednesday night involving 4 senior tourists and an 18 year old sheep-shagging tour virgin, the Mitres were able to provide conclusive proof that young ladies are not magnetised by the title 'Tour Spoons Champion', particularly not when this prestigious 'accolade' is celebrated in a Roger Milla 1990 style by the jubilant Welsh winner.
You get me a woman skip and I'll get you a hundred
Despite his touching youthful over-confidence, the Millennium Spoons Champion failed expensively to score on both counts, surrendering his wicket to a right arm bowler bowling left handed and being fined at the suggestion of his intended woman for having a name that rhymes with his alleged favourite pastime.
International Batsman of Mystery
The mystery being when this stallion of a batsman last scored a 50. Powers showed a Smartesque ability to thrive at Lansdown on a minimum of sleep; saw the side home with a mixture of quality pulling and little nudges into the gaps.
Worth his weight in Lamb
Young Mr Rankin concluded his memorable debut tour with a devastating 3 over new ball burst of 0 for 36 and a second ball nought (to a bowler actually feeling it necessary to use his usual bowling arm this time).
Look out - if he connects it's coming your way
Another rare sighting to provide a truly magnificent finale to the Millennium Tour. The legendary 'Bersey Shot' unfurled not once but twice (in successive balls) to send Lansdown crashing to last ball defeat at the hands of the Mighty Mitres.
Weather was beautiful, wish you'd been here
The tour management are deeply endebted to Willy Hughes for leaving behind him the days of lavatorial frisbees, fish menus, 70's porn stars and pro-celebrity naked umpiring to furnish the touring party with enough highly talented local ringers to keep the tour alive and win us a game at Taunton.
This tour report has been awarded an 18 certificate by the Local Board of Censorship (my wife). All direct references to female body parts (including the rather amusing and clever one that rhymed with Edinburgh Fringe) have been removed to protect the innocent and avoid increasing Dave Rankin's teenage angst and frustration. This report is unsuitable for minors and Somerset Hotel Proprietors.
If anyone has any photos from previous tours, please let Claire know.
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